Thankful

Wow!
For some reason I decided I would count my blessings and put down who and what I'm thankful for.
I'm into it well over 100 people and I'm sure there will be at least 100 more plus so many people who I don't even know.
How do I begin to say THANK YOU for your love, concern, friendship, encouragement, support, faith…
It's been a long, tough year and so many people have touched my life.
You've talked to me, sent emails, texts, Facebook posts, walked with me, ran with me, rode with me, sat with me, prayed with me or for me… and given me the hope and courage to continue on.
I didn't say it was a bad year. I really can't think of anything bad that has happened. When I look back It's all good. My life has changed and all of it for the better. I would do it all over if I had to knowing that I had so much support.
My motto for next year is "Conquer 2015"
So, please; Conquer 2015 with me.

Less than 0.1

What a relief. 

I just had my 3-month post-op appointment. 

The anxiety has been building over the last few weeks.

“What if...?”

“What will I do...?”

I couldn’t keep the worry, doubt, and fear from creeping in.

My PSA?

Less than 0.1; virtually undetectable.

I couldn’t ask for better results.

Another nail in the coffin of Cancer.

I was able to get my mind off my PSA results on my long runs on Saturday and Tuesday.

I had an epic run with Jon and Jess on Veteran’s day.

We went up to Donner Summit and ran on the Pacific Crest Trail up above Castle Summit.  The views were great, weather was perfect, and the company was awesome.

This was definitely a run to be repeated.

3 Months Post Surgery

Ok... I missed blogging last week.

It was a tough week.

I just lacked motivation.

Morning runs were tough.

Seemed like I didn’t have enough time for everything.

I did make it out for an 11 mile run around Lake Natoma on Saturday, but it was one of those runs that I never got into. 

Figured I’d get into it after a mile or two, two or three miles, maybe four or five miles, ok... eight or nine miles?

Ten miles in I just wanted to get back to the car. 

Just one of those days.

I even went home and took a nap...

But, it makes the good days seem all that much better.

This weekend, a completely different story!

Made it out to the lake again, this time with four from our running group. 

I felt great and pushed myself quickly up the hills.

After 10 miles I still had a lot in the tank so I picked up the pace the last mile.

Sunday, I did the Apple Hill 8.5 mile race with Jon & Jess. (My wife Andrea even came and walked the 3.5 mile course.)

Great running weather, about 40 degrees at the start. 

After the race we hung out in Apple Hill for a while.

Great Day!

Now for the deep stuff.

I’m getting anxious about my 3 month PSA test coming up.

I’ve read too many posts from guys who go through surgery and still show some PSA in their blood, then have to do radiation or hormone therapy.

I really don’t want to do either of those.

I try not to think about it, and I know by being anxious I’m not going to change anything.

But damn it, it’s still there.

Well, screw cancer.

I’m still fighting and I’m not letting down.

I’m eating clean, juicing, running, and trying to reduce stress.

I’m doing whatever I can to keep it from coming back.

I feel good right now and nothing can take that away.

I had a great day with my wife and friends, and nothing can take that away.

I had a wonderful weekend and kicked butt on the running trails... can’t take that away either.

Shit, I have a pretty wonderful life... can’t take that away.

Looks like I kicked cancers ass and I’m still kicking it even though its down and out.

Don't Think… Just Run

It's not always easy getting up at 4:25 AM to get in a run before work.
I'm out the door, on the street with the dog by 5:00.
This morning I found myself standing in the middle of the street with my dog Rocket thinking, "What am I doing?  I'm tired and I really don't feel like doing this."
So I look at Rocket to see if he really wanted to run.
This voice comes flooding into my head and overpowers all of those other voices.
"DON'T THINK - JUST RUN"
"It's cold."
"DON'T THINK - JUST RUN"
My feet start moving.
"You're sore."
"DON'T THINK - JUST RUN"
"Run tomorrow."
"DON'T THINK - JUST RUN"
"Just run one mile."
"DON'T THINK - JUST RUN"
"Ok… that's one mile, turn around and make it two miles"
"SCREW 2 MILES"
"SCREW 3 MILES"
"RUN 4 MILES"
And that's how the morning went.
All of that before 6:00AM, while most people were still sleeping.
I Ran Today.

Be Strong

So I stay strong.

13.1

Quick update since I can't seem to find the time to get things done.
In January I signed up for the Urban Cow half marathon.  It starts and finishes just a half mile from my front door.  Little did I know about all the events that would take place to get me to October 5th.
After I was able to run the Zero Prostate Cancer 5K in San Francisco two weeks ago I realized that I might really be able to finish a 13.1 mile half marathon.  I figured I might have to do a lot of walking, but hopefully I could finish, and if I didn't, there would be plenty more to come.

Fast forward to Sunday, October 5:
It was the 10th Cowtown / Urban Cow gathering at our house since it's so close to the race.  Friends bring their friends, and friends of friends… and this year was no different.  Great to have everyone over in the morning.  Going into the race I planned to run 5 minutes, then walk 1 minute, throughout the race.  I wasn't sure how far I would make it or how fast, or should I say slow, I would run.  Jon stuck with me the entire way and Jess joined us at the halfway relay point.  I was amazed I felt so good.  I had some energy left after mile 12 so I picked up the pace to the finish.

I finished in 2:22:49, way better than I would have ever thought I would do.  I thought my time was about the same for the SF marathon, first half, I ran three days before surgery.  It was… my time in SF was 2:22:27, just 22 seconds difference.  I took both races real easy with no time goal but it felt good to run the same pace pre and post surgery.  I feel good.  I wasn't sore after the race and I'm still not sore more than 24 hours later.

I'm not planning any other races for the rest of the year.  I'd just like to get back to doing at least 30 miles a week by the end of the year.  I'll wait until January before I really think about races for 2015.  I'd like to get in a marathon next year and maybe a 1/2 ironman.  I'm not going to push anything.

8@8

It’s ironic that the ironman triathlon at Lake Tahoe that I was training for when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer (April 30, 2014) was cancelled due to smoke in the air from the large fire in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

Makes me think back to May; when I was struggling on which treatment to choose.

If I did radiation I wouldn’t have to change my training schedule much.  I could most likely still be in good enough condition to do the race.

If I did brachytherapy, implant little radioactive “seeds”, I would have to cut way back but might still be able to do the race as long as I started treatment soon.

If I did surgery I wouldn’t be able to do the race at all.  I’d be risking serious injury if I got back on the bike too soon.

Or, if I had listened to the first urologist I talked with, I could have waited until after the race then begin my treatment.

Then I shut the door.

I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to do the race. (At least not this year)

I couldn’t let one race cloud my judgment on what treatment would be best for me in the long run; 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the road.

As soon as I made that decision the smoke cleared and I was able to look at my choices logically without any barriers.

After talking with a radiologist and second urologist I was 100% convinced that robotic surgery was what I needed.

Fast forward to July 30.  Radical Robotic Prostatectomy.  It wasn’t a cakewalk.  Going into it I was hoping that, maybe, because I was in good shape, I’d recover quickly.  That all flew out the window after surgery.  I was going to take as much time off work as I needed.  I worked at making myself rest.

Fast forward to six weeks after surgery.  My surgeon said that I could start running again six weeks the surgery.  (Some doctors say earlier is ok, but wasn't going to push it.)  If I wasn't ready I’d wait seven weeks, or eight weeks; whatever it took until I was ready.  But at six weeks I was able to run 3 miles and felt good.

Fast forward to seven weeks post surgery.  I had the support of 30 people walking and running the Zero Prostate Cancer 5K in San Francisco with me, one day before the ironman in Tahoe was supposed to take place.  Looking at it now, I think - no - I KNOW, that 5K means more to me than it would have if I had completed the ironman.

Fast forward to eight weeks post surgery; today.  I went back out to Lake Natoma to my usual weekend long run spot.  It was good to be out doing a long run again.  I went out 4 miles with some of the group then turned back as they went further.  On the way back that voice I hadn’t heard in weeks came back at me. 

“You call this a run?”

“You’re so weak.”

“You probably can’t even finish this 8 miles.” 

All I could do was laugh.  I actually laughed out loud.  Hopefully nobody was watching or they would have thought I was crazy. 

I’d heard that voice before I was diagnosed but it really hit me hard, and time and time again after my diagnosis.  I wrestled with it then.  I said I was going to win this fight and I did.  So when that voice came back today; I laughed, turned up my music, picked up the pace, and finished the 8 miles.  Eight miles, Eight weeks after surgery to rid my body of cancer.  I’m sure it’s been done before but I’m not racing against anyone. 

I like what one of the greatest runners ever, Steve Prefontaine, said:

“You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement."

You'll never know if you can do it if you don't try.

Recovery

I’ve been feeling pretty good on my runs this week. 

I ran at least 3 miles four times this week.

I ran the 5K in 31 minutes (10 min/mi pace)

Not the fastest but it was the fastest I’ve run since surgery. 

My wife reminded me that I said I was going to do the 5K, even if that meant a slow shuffle with someone holding me up, and someone holding a catheter bag.

I made it.  I stopped numerous times but just to take pictures.

No soreness from running but I still have a little soreness in my abdominal area from the surgery.  It’s all kind of around the area where the incisions were made and the robot stuck it’s little arms in me.  It’s pretty mild and just feels like I did a few too many sit-ups.

I’m still not operating on full energy.

I was a little tired each day after work and after the 5K I was ready for bed about 7:30.

And... I went the entire day Saturday without a pad for incontinence.  I really don’t think I need them any more but I’ll keep using them at work just in case.

Goals

My brain still isn’t able to set goals for too far in the future.  It just doesn’t want to go there yet.  I’ve been getting a lot of emails from different group-lists about Ironman Lake Tahoe.  I just delete them. 

I want to take the rest of this year to recover and get strong and healthy. 

I do have a half marathon in two weeks and have no idea if I can do it or not.

I figure I can do a lot of walking.

I’m going to try.

And if I fail, I’ll try again another day.

I’ll get there someday.

I’ll get back and run marathons again too.

I’ll try for an ironman too someday.

I’ll never know if I can do it if I don't try.

Support

Beards for Bill                              

September is Prostate Cancer awareness month and the organization called Septembeard encourages men to grow a beard in support of Prostate Cancer awareness.  On Thursday some of the team "Beards for Bill" group got together for a picture.

Cut It Out 

Saturday was the Zero end Prostate Cancer walk/run. 

We had the largest team at the event.  It means so much to me that 30 people would take most of their Saturday to San Francisco, walk or run a 5K, then back home.  We also raised over $2,000 for prostate cancer research and awareness.  I wish I could have spent more time with each individual who supported me in the 5K and with donations. 

  

An enriched perspective of the human condition

I'm a runner. 

Running isn't who I am.

But it fuels me.

It fuels my body, mind, and spirit.

Running keeps me at peace with myself, my world, and my God.

I started running again on September 10, six weeks post surgery, 3.5 miles and felt really good. 

Two miles the next day to make sure I wasn’t overdoing it.

Saturday I returned to my regular weekend running group and ran 5.5 miles.

Took a day of rest then ran 2 miles on Monday.

I also returned to work on Monday!  

After almost 7 weeks of recovery I unofficially went  back to work.  

I’m a teacher so I kept my sub for Monday and Tuesday so I could do some lesson planning and will return to the classroom on Wednesday!

Wow! 

When I came back to work I was showered with support.

So many people took time to tell me they had been thinking about me and praying for me. 

Co-workers who told me how they missed my presence. 

Several who told me how they were encourage by this blog. 

Students who told me that they were so happy to see me.

It’s hard to explain, but with each heartfelt comment I feel almost like someone is behind me, wrapping their arms around me lifting me up.

With all the prayer and support I’m getting I feel so much stronger, maybe energized would be a better word. 

This Saturday is the Zero Prostate Cancer walk/run in San Francisco.

I can’t believe that there are almost 25 people who have signed up on my team to do the run and we have raised almost $2,000.

I am well on my way on the Road to Total Recovery!

I’m reminded of the late surgeon general C. Everett Koop’s report on depression I read nearly 15 years ago when I was struggling to recover from depression.

“To return renewed with an enriched perspective of the human condition is the major benefit of recovery. To return at peace, with yourself, your experience, your world, and your God, is the major joy of recovery.”

Going through this cancer journey I defiantly have: 

An enriched perspective of the human condition.

Peace with myself.

Peace with my experience.

Peace with my world.

Peace with my God.

And this all brings me JOY!