A new goal!

With the possibility of having surgery in 2 weeks I decided to enter a half marathon.  I figured it would be my last race for a while.  I've pretty much postponed all future running or triathlon goals until I consider myself out of recovery mode.
Most of the Mountain Lion Running Club was there.
Norm, Kat, Kelly, Dave, and Michelle.  We all had really good runs.
Kat was 2nd in her age group.
I missed 3rd place by 1 second. (So Cancer; what do you think about that?)

At the race a woman handed Kelly a flyer for an upcoming race in September.
ZERO End Prostate Cancer 5K.  They are held around the country.
On September 20 in they are having one in San Francisco.
September is prostate cancer awareness month, and…
September 20 is one day before the Lake Tahoe Ironman that I had to cancel.

This is my first post surgery goal.
It's only 3.1 miles, not quite the 140.6 mile Ironman but…
I will run,
or walk,
this 5K.

I'd like to get a team of at least 10 runners and walkers and raise $1,000.
Make it your goal to join team Cut It Out!
Even if you aren't a runner, you have lots of time to train to get to 3.1 miles.
You don't have to run the entire event, you don't even have to run any of it, just walk it.
I know that it may be hard to find the time to drive to San Francisco, park your car (good luck with that one), run or walk a 5K, and drive home, so…
If you can't make it September 20 I'd like you to get out and run or walk a 5K (3.1 miles) wherever you are that day.

Will you make it your goal to run or walk at least 3.1 miles on September 20?

If you are able to support the ZERO End Prostate Cancer organization that would be great too.  I checked them out and they actually put a higher percentage of their revenue to the cause than many of the large cancer organizations.

I choose to be happy...

Sorry such a long post.

After I was diagnosed with prostate cancer I joined an online support group that has been very helpful.  I put out a discussion question asking how long it took men to get back into running, cycling, and swimming.  I had some good responses that have helped me gage what my recovery might look like. However one person, G-man, had an outcome that wasn't so good 4 years ago and felt that he should share his anger with me. I decided to respond to his two post.  I'm putting my response on this blog because it does explain a lot about how I look at the circumstances I face.
Below is a copy of the post I responded with.  If you want to read the entire post with responses you can go to:
Here is that post.
(A screen will pop up to join the group.  You can join or just close the page and re-open it from the link.)

Mr. G-man,

I appreciate that you’ve shared your experience with me and the others who have read this post. I don’t know what to say about your bad experience with RP (Radical Prostatectomy), so I guess I’ll just say I’m sorry for your situation. It’s obvious that you are very upset about the decision you made; I might go as far as to say you that you appear to be angry, and have been angry about it for 4 years.

I think the part about your experience that saddens me the most is not that you had such a bad experience with surgery; but the anger and bitterness that you still hang onto. What is, is. Shit happens, or as you like to say, “it’s a crapshoot” (FYI I’m pretty good at craps when I go to Reno) Maybe it’s time for you to move on in your life and start dealing with some of the anger and stress that this cancer has brought on you. 

You made many bold statements in your first post that I chose not to respond to. I thought about it but decided anyone who reads your post could see some of the same things that I noticed. After your second response I decided I should respond. 

My response is twofold.

1st I hope that you may begin to see and appreciate the life that you have been given as opposed to the alternative of dying a slow 2 year death of metastasized prostate cancer as my father did.

2nd I hope others who read your post will be able to take it with a grain of salt and realize that you had a bad experience and have been angry about it for over 4 years; that the decision you or any of us make will be a life changing decision no matter what that decision is.

I’d like to start by addressing some of your statements. 

In your first post you said, “I was told that I would regain continence after 6 months.”

I would hope that people would be able to realize that no Dr. can guarantee anything. That would be like believing my new car would get 30 mpg on the highway because the little sticker in the window said it would.

You also stated, “I"m sure I was in better shape than you and most men.” 

This is a pretty bold boast. It does sound like you were in pretty good physical shape before you decided on your treatment for PC (Prostate Cancer) . However, to say you were in better shape than me is almost comical. You don’t know me. I’m not going to brag about my accomplishments here but I’m pretty fit.

You said, “If the Dr. who's doing your DaV (robotic surgery) screws up... you will never be happy.”

I have learned that in life happiness isn’t based on past circumstances, but on how we choose to look at things now. I choose to be happy now. It’s true that bad things happen to all of us. We can dwell on those situations or choose to move on. Again; I’m not going to brag; so I won’t go into the obstacles that I’ve overcome, I’m just going to hope that you and others who find themself with this awful situation of prostate cancer will learn to put your past behind you and choose to be happy with what you have now. Please realize this, we are all alive, and compared to the other 7 billion people on this planet we in the U.S. have extremely good lives.

You finished your first post with, “If you do the DaVinci you have a it's like going to Vegas and gambling.” 

As stated above, I’m pretty good at gambling. (Take note that I didn’t say I’m a better gambler than you and most people; because I don’t know that.) I especially enjoy games where I have to make decisions and can see instant results. That’s the way I choose to look at life. If I make a mistake I can learn from my mistakes and try again, or realize that the outcome wasn’t so good and move on.

In your second post you wrote, “I knew "I had cancer" I knew it "cancer" meant death for the most part.”

I think when we hear the word cancer most people do think of death. But I’m under the impression that most men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer don’t think it is an automatic death sentence. I would think Dr. and other cancer survivors would have conveyed this message to most people by the time they are in their 40’s or 50’s. I’m glad you have now realized that cancer doesn’t mean death.

You commented about your Dr. advising you on RP and said, “easy for him to say that never been through this.” Just wanted to throw out a FYI here. My primary care Dr. of almost 20 years, who I actually do trust with my life and have trusted him with my life in more than one situation, has been through prostate cancer. He did AS for a year. During his AS (active surveillance) he researched and talked with some of the well known doctors mentioned throughout posts on UsToo. In the end he chose RRP. He sent me to his urologist/oncologist. When the doctor who I have entrusted my life to sends me to his doctor, I feel I’m in pretty good hands.

You also wrote, “and now they say I have a overactive bladder... Now I'm battling that” 

After having watched my father die a slow death due to his cancer, I think I would much rather have an overactive bladder than the cancer. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I want an overactive bladder. I’m saying that I have read, researched, talked to many people, doctors, friends, and cancer survivors, and I have come to my educated decision to have RRP (Robotic Radical Prostatectomy) and have chosen the surgeon who I think is best for the job for me.

You ended your second post with, “I'm praying that you make the right decision and you are better off than me.” 
This is music to my ears. I am a man of faith, and I hope you are truly praying for me. God hears the prayers of a righteous man. I also pray that my surgery comes out good. I pray that if it doesn’t come out good I am able to overcome the situation and be thankful for what I do have.
Bill

A 2nd opinion

Anyone just finding this blog may want to go back to the first post and read up to today, or not.

Went for a 2nd opinion yesterday.  This was the Dr. of my Dr.  Wow, what an amazing Dr.  First off we waited over two hours until I got to see him. (I was warned about this from my Dr. so I had plenty of reading material.) Once we got in to talk with him he spent about two and a half hours with us.

Good news or bad news???
Ok… we'll go with the bad news first.
Something that the first Dr. didn't tell me (or if he did, he didn't make it sound of any importance) one of the biopsy cores showed "perineural invasion".
Uh, what the heck does that mean? It means that the cancer has found a nerve in the prostate and has grabbed on and started following it.  Makes it easier for the cancer to get out of the prostate.
Even I can figure that's not good.
And… he did a DRE (Digital Rectal Exam - not fun) and felt something on the left side of my prostate. Unfortunately, the left side isn't where the biopsy showed any cancer.
That means the I went from a stage T1c to a T2a moving on the border between low risk and intermediate risk.
All in all not really that bad of news even though it sounds pretty bad. Still considered LOW RISK by most standards.
Now for the good news!
This Dr. is great.  He knows his stuff.  He explained everything.  He is very thorough. He wants to do a couple other tests.  He has done well over 1,000 robotic surgeries. Without going into boring detail… He's great, and he has one opening, June 18.  If not then, sometime in July.

So that's my decision.
#Surgery
#Radical Prostatectomy (RP)
#Cut the sonofabitch out!

Enough of the medical crap.  Too much of it can bring me down.

One of my running friends, Dave, got some Stand-Up 2 Cancer shirts for our running group.
He felt like he wanted to do something so he did.
Thanks Dave!
 All of us who made it out for our weekly long run this morning, wore them. Made me realize how blessed I am to be surrounded by good friends.
I need them.
Andrea and I both have lots of good friends who would do anything for us.
And now is the time we need you!
There is no way I can express what everyone means to us right now.
Just knowing that there are so many people who would be there in an instant if needed.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  If either of them falls, the one will lift the other one up...

Up to today I didn't think anyone was reading this blog.  I figured I would wait until I knew for sure what treatment I'm going to do before I let the cat out of the bag for the whole world. I found out today from Kelly, people are already reading it.
I was planning on putting it on Facebook today.
Not to complain or get sympathy; I want to know what others have gone through.
I want to learn from their trials, so please feel free to post comments, email, text, call….
I also want to let people read this blog to know what's going on with my treatment, my healing, my recovery. Again, please feel free to post a comment, email, text, call...

You may want to go back to the first post and read in sequence.

Chase your enemies and they shall fall before you… Leviticus 26:7

I got in a good 15 mile run yesterdy. I get so much out of my long runs on the weekends.
Yesterday I met up with my regular weekend running group.  I need this group. They are there for me.  We understand each other.  Over the years we've learned when to talk, when to listen, and when to just let someone do their own thing.  I've been needing all of these the last few weeks.
When I'm out on the trail that's when I've been able to think, pray, and build my positive attitude.  What I get out of a couple hours running recharges me enough to make it through the week.  What I've been able to see on my weekend long runs is that this is a fight, a race, the race of my life.

People with prostate caner talk about "Active Surveillance", the idea of not immediately treating the cancer but actively watching the numbers to make sure it doesn't go anywhere.  Many people do Active Surveillance for years before they have to make a decision on how they are going to treat the cancer.  I've been told by some that I'm a good candidate for Active Surveillance.  If I can wait 5 more years before my cancer starts to spread there will be new and better treatments.
Thursday I went to a prostate cancer support group and the topic was Active Surveillance.  It was good to hear other men talk about their treatment, good or bad, to hear from some who are actively watching.

It comes down to this: I have to make the decision, and I have to live with it.
As I gain more information I am able to start putting the pieces of my own puzzle together.

Back to the run and what I got this week:  It's become clear to me; this fight I'm in. I can watch my enemy from a distance, and wait until he come at me and I'll be ready. I'll have gained knowledge about  him and learned his weaknesses while I studied him from a distance.

Sorry!
That's not for me!
I'm not going to sit and wait. I'm going after the sonofabitch!
I'm learning about my enemy while I run towards him.  I'm looking at this cancer right in the eyes running headlong into him.  I'm in training now, training my body, training my mind, and training my spirit.
I'm going to give this sonofabitch the fight of its life, and a short life at that.

For my body; I'm making it strong; running, riding, working out and eating well.
For my mind; I'm taking control of my thoughts. I'm not listening to the lies in my head.
For my spirit; I'm praying and taking prayer. I'm standing on Leviticus 26:7
CHASE YOUR ENEMIES AND THEY SHALL FALL BEFORE YOU...

Narrowing down the choices

I'm beginning to break through the fog of, "Your biopsy showed cancer… you have 3 choices, external beam radiation (regular outside the body beams of radiation aimed at the prostate), brachytherapy (radioactive implants), or surgery (radical prostectomy - taking the whole thing out)

As I read more and talk to men who have had prostate surgery, the picture seems to be getting clearer. Surgery looks like the best choice for me.

At first I would say my thoughts were leaning towards brachytherapy because it seemed less damaging to other parts of the body.  My dad's had bladder problems due to damage when he had external beam radiation therapy for his prostate cancer. 

Andrea and I went to the radiation oncologist on Tuesday and he was just such a great Dr.  He listened.  He had answers.  He felt that surgery might be best for me psychologically after knowing what my dad had gone through. (Radiation in 1997 and it came back in 2000.) He also said that surgery or brachytherapy would both be good choices for me. 

My Dr. thought it might take up to 2 months to get an appointment with his surgeon but they called and scheduled for two weeks from now.  It hit me after I made the appointment that I may be doing surgery in just a few weeks as opposed to a few months.  That seemed to make it a little more real.

I hope the timeline is a matter of weeks and not months.  I just want this to be done and over with.

My Dr. told me about an online support group, Us TOO.  I posted a question about my 3 choices and got a lot of input from others.  It has been helpful to hear from others and it has given me quite a bit to research.  I'll post a link on this blog.

My Dr. had Prostate Cancer

After my biopsy results I tried to get in to see my primary care Dr. of nearly 20 years. His next appointment wasn't until June so I emailed him and got in today.
He had just gone through prostate cancer treatment himself a year ago.

It seems odd to say God's hand is in such a bad thing, but how amazing that my Dr. went through the same thing himself.  He started out with about the same numbers as I have.
(FYI: My numbers - PSA 4.7, Gleason 3+3 in 4 of the 12 biopsies.)
He researched all the options and read everything he could get his hands on.  He consulted with his friends in the medical field and they all pretty much pointed him in the same direction.  Radical prostatectomy (surgery)  He was told because he was young and very healthy his best options would be surgery.
When I asked him questions about things like Dynamic Contrast-Enhanced MRI and Color Doppler Ultrasound, he smiled and said you've been doing your homework…  Ultimately since it's after my biopsy, the DCE-MRI and Color Doppler Ultrasound really wouldn't change much as far as my choice for treatment.  If they did show that the cancer has spread further, or that it wasn't over such a large area, that wouldn't change my choice for treatment.

He gave me the answers to most of my questions and my wife's (Andrea) questions before we asked.  He said he was going to refer me to his urologist/oncologist before I even got to that question.  I feel so good that it's like he did all of my research for me.  He said that it may be 2-3 months before I get in to see Dr. J. but I don't need to be in any rush.  After that it may be a month or so before I could get into surgery.

I'd say that I'm about 95% sure I'll do surgery and Andrea is 100% sure I'll do surgery.  I just want to keep an open mind so I don't shut the door on anything.  I have an appointment with a radiation oncologist tomorrow and Andrea thought I should cancel.  I want to go so I at least have the information and I can ask them about options if cancer comes back sometime after surgery.

Thanks Tanya for being there with us.  Tanya is Andrea's life ling friend of 40+ years who use to be a nurse.

Prayer and a Ride

After church today there was a large group who wanted to pray for me.
(Thanks for getting the group together Bob!)
What a blessing.  How wonderful to know that so many people truly care and want to be a part of my journey.
I know it's all in God's hands.
I know that God will get me through this.
I go back to what I stood on years ago when in the midst of my depression, Psalms 23.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restore my soul.
He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
EVEN THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME.
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

What an amazing thing that our church just happens to be going through a series of 50 days of HOPE.

Someone in the group suggested that I do a blog along the way; so here it is…

After church, a good ride and a chat with one of my best friends of… wow, 30 years plus??? Doug.  He is always there whenever I need him.  He knows how to give me space, and how to just hang and say nothing if that's what I need.  I'm sure there's going to be quite a few times when I'm going to need him throughout this.  Thanks Doug!

Mad Run...

Didn't feel much like going for my usual Saturday long run.  Sometimes that's just the way it is.  I know if I get going I usually get into the run and everything is good after a few miles.

My usual running partners were all off doing other runs/events so I was on my own. Sometimes that just makes it harder to get out and run when I'm not meeting someone at a certain time.

I drug myself out to the bike trail near Sac. State and got going.  It only took about a mile and I started really getting pissed off at this cancer.  

I thought, "Cancer, you picket the wrong person to F. with."  I had 17 miles on my training schedule today… screw that, I'm doing 18.

I kept picking up the pace each mile.  By mile 15 I had just about wore myself out with such a fast start, so the last 3 were a little tough.

I may not know what I'm going to do as far as treatment, but I'm not going to stop running, riding, and swimming. 

The "C" Word!

April 25, 2014
"The Day" - The day people will ask me about.
The day I got the big C dropped on me.
Cancer.
Prostate Cancer.
But I'm only 52.
I run 30+ miles a week.
I cycle.
I swim.
I only eat organic whole foods.
No processed foods.
I'm training for my first full Ironman.
Really… This is really happening???
I'm not scared - I'm mad!
Doesn't this piece of shit cancer inside me know that I have an Ironman to train for?
5 months?
Could I just wait 5 months and then do some kind of treatment?
What if I do radiation? Will I have enough energy to keep training?
What if I do surgery? Will I be able to get back on the bike soon enough to be ready?
What books should I read?
What's the right treatment?
Where can I find someone like me who can give me answers?

It's been 1 week now since I found out I had prostate cancer.  I was pretty much given the option of surgery to remove the prostate or radiation of some form.

It's been really hard to think straight with all these thoughts bombarding my brain.  Yesterday morning when I was running the dog at 5:00AM, all this crap kept rushing into my thoughts.
"If I do ____ I might be able to continue my training…"
Then I realized; just postpone the Ironman; do it next year.
Do it with a vengeance against the cancer.
My head all of a sudden could see past 5 months.
I now can think of what will be best for me 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now…

I thought I should do this blog;  for anyone who finds themselves in my same situation and for myself.  Just so I can get my thoughts out.

And with that I begin my journey.  My journey won't end when the cancer is gone or when I've completed an ironman, but that may be the end of this blog.  We'll see…